What A Useless Bunch Of….

So the Mayoral Election is over, and the vote is being counted.  And who is London choosing between?  A blond baboon and a shriveled newt.  Boris Johnson and Ken Livingstone have been slugging it out over the last few weeks for who’ll be the next Mayor of London, and what an ugly, stupid, infuriating battle it has been.  Since when – but since when, oh lord? – were all our politicians so repugnant?  I find it hard to believe that a single one of the bunch, with the possible exception of the odd independent candidate who doesn’t stand a chance, believes in anything else but their own vainglory advancement, power and righteousness. The last time we got to vote for the London Assembly, I voted for Ken Livingstone because I thought he genuinely cared about the welfare of the city; this time I find it hard to believe that he cares for anything other than beating Boris, a man who quite probably won the last election because, and how this horrifies me, people thought he was funny.  Not necessarily witty in his own right, but a bit of a comic figure to look at.  I don’t want a clown in charge of my city!  Have we forgotten the 2011 riots?  Was I the only one watching when this man went down to Clapham, picked up a random broom from the street and babbled about youth and people and how it wasn’t right, only for the locals to harangue him as the pompous ass he was?

And let’s also take a moment to consider the other candidates in the field.  Since when, Christ!  Since when did the British National Party, an organisation which stands for such time honoured British cultural traditions as Morris dancing, bad food, imperialism, repression and hating the French (or indeed anyone who speaks in a funny accent) even bother to field a candidate for Mayor?  A party which would re-introduce corporal punishment for both criminals and children, abolish the Human Right’s Act (because it protects ‘scroungers’), roll back multiculturalism (because god knows things are easier when people don’t talk to each other or respect each other’s point of view), and which seems to believe that strict physical education and Christian assembles are the way forward in failing schools!  Why is UKIP even in existence any more; and Christ!  But Christ why am I also being asked to vote for a party whose main priority is the ‘Traditional Christian Value of Marriage’, five words which are regularly deployed in politics not with a footnote of ‘seriously guys, wouldn’t it be great if all married couples could just get on with each other?’ but are rather rolled out every time with a cry of ‘oh my god, guys, why do guys want to get on with other guys that’s just so wrong!’

And if you think it’s just London elections where there’s a feeling of banging-your-head-against-a-wall, just look nationally!  David Cameron – aptly described by BBC comedians as ‘the human teletubby’ – has rolled over every expert voice that could have been raised against him when it comes to policy making with a cry of, ‘nope!  I’ve got an ideology so damn your expert opinions!’  And yet if you go looking for an alternative, there’s Ed Milliband, humanity’s answer to the herring.  The Lib Dems – god, you have to remind yourself even to think about the Lib Dems, they’re such a vapid, useless waste of space, while up North Alex Salmond is hoping around the Scottish borders with a cry of ‘I want to be Prime Minister of Scotland, I want it I want it I want it even if it doesn’t make sense I want it now!’

So who, in this field of useless pillocks, slimey manipulators and ideological buffoons did I vote for, you might wonder?  Why, I did what all guilt-struck liberals did in the face of their political leaders’ inadequacies.  I threw away my vote, and voted Green on all ballots.