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Post Show Drinks

“Cat!  The show went well!  Come have a drink.”

“Oh but I was going to go home I haven’t been home for five hundred years every part of my body hurts I can barely walk I’m so tired now and then I start giggling hysterically I’m not sure that….”

“Just one, just one, come on…”

“I suppose so… is it ok to sit here?  I can chat to the techies on the left, but maybe also get to know the actors on the right it could be interesting the two professions coming together at last a meeting of…”

Five minutes later:

“So yeah when Woolworths closed I was devastated ‘cos now if I want stuff, like for my house but also like rehearsal room stuff you’ve got to go miles and I’m like, I don’t want to go to shitty Ikea I don’t want that but you know what…”


“Wilkos.  Wilkos is amazing.”

“Oh my god, it’s saved so many shows!”

“It’s great.  It’s just got everything you need.  Except spray paint.  They used to stock spray paint but not any more.  So tomorrow I’ve got to go to Hackney in the morning to make a bench, then Charing Cross in the afternoon to fix a piano and then in the evening there’s this show and more plastering I’ve done so much plastering it’s….”


“Uh, yeah, totally oh revered designer I love plastering it’s just my favourite thing….”

“So of course Bob, now you all know Bob Bob is well he’s just wonderful he’s so….”

“Oh yeah I know Bob he was in that thing he’s…”

“Well Bob knows Ian you must know Ian Ian is…”

“Sensational.  Fabulous.  Ian is just so….”

“And when I was talking to Bob, because I haven’t actually met Ian but Bob was saying the thing about Ian….”

“Wasn’t he in that play about the man with the…?”

“With Shelly, Shelly is…”

“Of course, Shelly she’s so!”

“And Ian’s got this friend who’s written a play and I auditioned actually for her brother’s play about the guy who….”

“Oh yeah, didn’t that part go to Jack?”

“To Jack and well Jack’s wonderful but I thought frankly mis-cast he was…”

“Mis-cast, totally, I totally agree the part should have been for someone more….”


“Anyway I’m like give me a budget, if you don’t give me a budget then meh, no costumes, simple as that and no I can’t work miracles I’m not a miracle worker you might be putting on a panto but that doesn’t mean fairies are actually real….”

“God I can’t stand that man, in tech, this thing he does, you say to him on day one, you say I don’t think that’ll work and he’s like ‘I need to see it I need to see it’ so you spend all your budget and then he’s…”


“Yes, he’s just like ‘oh well that doesn’t work at all’ and you’re like….”

“Kill him.”

“Kill him, basically, yes, kill him it’s the only way I mean it has to be done for the good of theatre, right, for the future generations for all the stage managers yet to come….”

“And the thing about it is, well, I can see it as a screenplay but when you’re given that option, money or creative control it’s so easy to just take the money but…”

“It’s your baby, it’s your work, if that’s a bad film that’s all you’ll be remembered for that’s….”

“I’ve had a few of my books optioned, actually.  Big fan of letting the experts do their thing and keeping my head down.”

“… well of course yes the money is nice but anyway Jessica – you know Jessica she’s just the most wonderful…”

“Oh wonderful, wonderful, I haven’t actually met her but she’s….”

“She was given this choice, ten million for a loyal reproduction or a hundred million, the chateaus, the budget, the stars but you just have to be true don’t you, they wanted to cast Simon but…”

“Oh no, Simon wouldn’t be right at all….”

“Lovely chap of course the loveliest and actually Simon often works with Mark and Mark well I know this wonderful story about Mark I haven’t actually met him but you see once he did this play….”

“And I just said no.  It can’t be on fire.  It can’t be.  And he said why and I was like…”

“What a prat.”

“I mean I did think about it but I was like the stage is covered in crude oil, your actors are covered in vodka and the theatre is made of straw I mean what the hell is he even thinking why are you wasting my time….”

“Mud, water, sand and a grand piano.  The four signs of the devil.”

“A grand piano – he said to me, get me a grand piano and I said it’ll be too large and he said get me one anyway I want it so I got a grand piano and of course….”


“Too bloody large and he’s like ‘can we cut it down’ and…”


“… and I’m like no we can’t cut it down and do you know how much I spent on this actually in the end I got a bargain I sold it for more than I spent on it and used the surplus money to buy champagne for the props team because we deserved it by the time that show went up we were so….”

“Next?  Well I’m thinking of doing some filming.  Haven’t got anything lined up but filming, something good I think I once auditioned for this part but they gave it to Jerry….”

“That’s such a bad choice you’d be perfect you’d be so….”

“And writing too, I’m writing more I’m thinking of writing a novel.”

“Really?  I write novels.”

“…. um… anyway, I’m going to write a novel I’m not sure what it’s about yet but I’m thinking of it very filmicly I’m thinking of it as a thing which is….”

“Seriously.  I write books.”

“… uhh… so then we’ll see, won’t we?  Voice over work pays well but it’s just not the same as theatre you don’t have that visceral quality you don’t have that sense of… of… you know… and I miss that, I do, even though the money for voice overs is really good I did this ad once for toilet paper got me through two years but theatre, theatre is where my passion is it’s so….”

“So I said, if you’ve lost it, you can go make another, because I’ve used so much runny blood already and we’re out of burnt sugar now…”

“Sally? Of course she’s wonderful she’s just – no I don’t know her but once I met a friend of hers who said that she….”

“Cat?  You write books, right?  Why’d you do that?”

“I really like it.”

“But you really like lights too, right?”

“I mean you just keep on auditioning, don’t you?  But so much is a sell-out these days, no one really has any passion for a story, it’s just commercial big names while the real artists are struggling to….”

“Yeah.  I like making beautiful things out of three dimensional colour that tells a story.”

“And rigging, yeah?  You like rigging at eleven o’clock on a Sunday night?”

“With love: screw you.”

“I’ll drink to that.  Cheers all.”