Dear The Green Party,
I’m really sorry about this, but I think I might be voting Labour in the next election. I know, I know, I only joined last year, but in fairness, I did join with a lifetime membership owing to having done a job of such corporate evil that it felt necessary to give a significant chunk of that cash to a good cause, and it was you – so whatever happens, please be happy that you’ve got my money regardless. I still believe in everything you do, honestly, it’s just that… well… Corbyn’s happened.
This is going to be worrying you, Green Party, isn’t it? I mean, how many people joined you last year in rage and despair at the lack of an alternative political left, at the vileness of UKIP and the blithe destructiveness and social divisions created by our repugnant government? Loads, that’s how many. You got 50,000 new members in a few months, and it was awesome and in light of that, Labour’s 30,000 new members in four days must seem a little bit… ho hum… but on the plus side! I’m not joining Labour because I’m still not sure I trust them completely and because environmentally-specific campaigns and causes must still be supported, so in that sense I’m still with you, oh Green Party, it’s just that…
… I’m probably gonna vote for Jeremy Corybn in the next election, if he makes it that far. And it’s a big if. But look at it this way! He believes in fighting social injustice! He’s down with the idea that if you can’t bomb your enemy into submission, can’t murder and cleanse and assassinate people you don’t agree with then maybe diplomacy should involve talking to them instead, what a radical idea. He’s down with environmentalism and worker’s rights. He’s all on board with shrinking the gap between rich and poor, with healthcare for all, with education for all, with all the social justice stuff, frankly, that I’m sorta cheering on. And he also doesn’t talk patronising bollocks. He’s terrible when interviewed, by the way – cantankerous and cratchety – but he actually speaks human words in between the twitching, actual words with actual meaning, and sometimes he’ll even say ‘I don’t know, I need to think about it’ and Christ! What a breath of fresh air that it, was a blessed relief, an actual admittance that sometimes people need to think about shit rather than give a blithe, meaningless reply it’s just… I’m just so… oh… be still my fluttering heart….
And sure, he’s also in favour of re-opening the coal mines and I’m still enough of a Green Party member that I’m a bit like, “dude, the coal mines were closed by Thatcher because she was a right old cow who didn’t care about the labouring poor, but like, seriously, wouldn’t it be better to invest in a green economy in the North?”
– but hey! Like you, my beloved Green Party, he possibly also believes in homeopathy! And you’re both bloody wrong, but at least you can be wrong together, right?
Also like you, he’s being cheerfully demonised by people with opinions! Isn’t that nice? You have that in common – you’re both unpatriotic loonies, because you talk about stuff like opportunities for young people and not going to war and shit – and are therefore both clearly living on another planet, which, by the way, might be a really good idea quite soon if we don’t get this one sorted out. The media spends nearly as much time talking about Corybn’s dress sense as it does about Natalie Bennett’s voice, isn’t it nice to have the important issues you campaign on reduced down to superficialities together like that?
So please, Green Party, please understand – it’s not you, it’s me. And I still want us to be bestest, bestest friends, even though your stance on copyright was clearly written by a twat and you got some work to do in other policy areas. I’m not leaving you, honest. I’m happy to campaign for you in 2020 and at local elections, and will absolutely cast my vote for you for council seats and in Europe. I’m just saying… when the secret ballot opens in 2020, I might just… make other friends, ok? And if Corbyn gets deposed by his own party and they go back to saying nothing at great length and campaigning on nothing of any meaning, I hope you’ll still be there for me, because I’ll always nearly entirely absolutely be there for you.
lots of love,