24

Remember when 24 first came onto our TV screens?  I was at school, and I was riveted.  As who wouldn’t be?  Every hour of real-time ended on a cliffhanger, a twist, a betrayal, a gunshot, a mysteries baddy doing something mysteriously bad.  It was the televisual equivalent of every paragraph opening with the word ‘… suddenly…!!’

I was recently reminded of this when finishing the last round of lighting designs.  Two weeks in tech is bad enough – two weeks teching musicals back-to-back is bone-shattering, and at the end of it a week of doing very little at great length seemed called for, and what better than eighteen hours or so, stretched out, of adrenaline-rush American drama?  Buckle down, wipe the sweat from your brow and start asking the immortal question… is Jack alright?

That said… certain lessons can be taken from this wonderfully over-the-top bit of TV.

1.  Never trust foreigners.  They’re out to get you.  And if they’re not out to get you, then someone’s out to get them, and you’d better say goodbye to them now because pretty soon a mysterious assassin with a questionable accent is probably going to kill them anyway.  Thankfully, foreigners can easily be identified by their incredible leers.

2.  Never trust politicians.  At best they’re wishy-washy liberals unwilling to Do What Needs To Be Done; at worst they’re shifty war-mongers out to manipulate the people of America for their own nefarious ends.

3.  Of course there’s a mole at CTU!  OF COURSE THERE IS!!

4.  Torture – it’s gonna hurt me as much as it hurts you.

5.  Everywhere in Los Angeles is no more than twelve minutes away from everywhere else.

6.  Bullets interfere with microwave transmission.  For observe: when your colleague needs to phone you during a quiet moment, that’s okay, but the second the bullets start flying and you need to call for backup, that’s the moment your phone runs out of signal.

7.  Bad facial hair is the sign of the devil.

8.  Love can only hurt, almost as much as the torture.  Which often stems from the love anyway.

9.  The United States of America does not negotiate with terrorists.

10.  For god’s sake, if you see a bathroom, use it.  Play safe, people.  Plan ahead.